Can You Have Friends at Work? A Guide for Startup HR Leaders

Long hours, late nights, tight deadlines… as hard as working at a startup can be, it’s often worth the grind because you’ll be working alongside like-minded people, some of whom may even become close friends. 

And that’s what makes it worth it, right? Coffee runs in the middle of the day, game nights with your team, or drinks after work at the local bar to vent after a long day.

Oh wait. Venting about your workplace in front of others isn’t exactly appropriate for HR. For that matter, are any of them? Workplace friendships can be enriching, but being an HR, especially in a startup, creates an awkward line between being “friendly” and being “friends.”

Can you have friends as an HR leader? Should you? I’ll answer those questions and more in this guide.

‍

The Case For And Against Workplace Friendships

Before we get to what I think, I’ll first admit that there are strong cases on both sides for workplace friendships.

The Case For Workplace Friendships For HR

No one knows the importance of employee engagement better than HR, and having friends, or at least a good working relationship, with your coworkers can help. 

A Gallup poll shows that employees with a close friend at work have a strong connection to job performance, even when working remotely. According to their data, employees with a close friend at work are more likely to:

• Engage customers and internal partners
• Get more done in less time
• Innovate and share ideas
• Report having fun

Imagine that: having a friend at work leads you to having more fun – who knew? 

What’s interesting, though, is when you compare data between employees who have a close friend at work and those who don’t:

So it’s not just touchy-feely conjecture: Having a close friend at work improves a person’s perception of their job, motivates them, and retains them at a higher rate. A KPMG survey backs this up: Close friendships at work positively impact mental health, job performance, and overall employee engagement. 

I don’t think there’s anyone who would dispute that workplace friends can be positive, but does that mean that HR needs to, or should, form friendships at work?

The Case Against Workplace Friendships For HR

Workplace friendships have a positive impact on employee performance and engagement, but an HR leader isn’t a product manager bonding with their team or a marketing manager grabbing a coffee.

HR is in a sensitive position, especially in a startup where you are likely working on your own or part of a small team. While all of the above is true, and having friends would likely impact you in a positive way emotionally, it also opens you up to risks unique to your role:

• It can impact impartiality and bias
• It can lead you to be subjective rather than objective
• It puts you in a position of taking sides in employee disputes
• And all of that can kill any credibility you have and open up plenty of legal risks

To be clear, the issue isn’t that having friends at work will negatively impact you; the risk is that it will prevent you from doing your job properly.

One HR leader in an online forum puts it best:

“Just remember, at any moment you may be involved in facilitating an employee being fired, let go, demoted, written up, etc.

You do want to maintain some distance from most people in the workplace. You want to be able to be professional and not overly conflicted when those situations arise. And more importantly, you don’t want people thinking you’re close enough to expect special treatment.”

Your effectiveness as an HR leader comes from your ability to be objective and distance yourself from personal feelings and ties in disputes. It’s impossible to do that well when you are close friends with an employee, and even if you do manage to remain objective, the optics will be against you. 

HR takes enough blame as it is; is the off chance that you might be the exception really worth the risks?

‍

From One HR Leader to Another: Here’s My Honest Opinion

I shared the facts above, so now I’ll share my opinion (backed by over a decade of HR leadership experience).

Now, I’m sure there are edge cases where your experience differs from mine. But having led HR teams, built HR operations from the ground up, and consulted with over 150 companies worldwide, I’d like to think that I’ve found a happy medium that works. And I hope that it will work for you, too.

So, should HR leaders form friendships at work? My honest answer is no.

Looking back at my career, it’s rare for me to form strong friendships at work. My closest friends have come through other avenues, like my community, family, and hobbies. But never the workplace. 

Does that mean I’m not friendly with my colleagues? 

Of course not. 

I have built close working relationships with my coworkers by doing what any good HR leader should: by listening to their needs, offering advice, and following through on my promises. While I don’t think these people would consider me a “friend,” I was able to build a working relationship with them grounded in support and respect, and many still reach out to me 10 years later for advice and support.

So while I don’t join every impromptu get-together after work or invite colleagues over for dinner, I do my best to build professional relationships with my coworkers while holding myself accountable for doing my job (and I think many colleagues would agree I hold them accountable, too).

‍

How to be Friendly While Setting Boundaries

Just because I’d personally advise not looking to your coworkers as a place to make friends doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly and form positive relationships at work. 

All it requires is a few boundaries to maintain your objectivity and do your job properly: 

• Be vulnerable without crossing lines
• Be intentional with team interactions
• Encourage respectful dialogue

Be Vulnerable Without Crossing Lines

A key part of forming any relationship, whether it be a good working relationship or a friendship, is vulnerability. This is also the key “lever” to pay attention to in how close you allow yourself to be to your coworkers. 

HR leaders can and should be vulnerable with their coworkers. You can share personal information, such as hobbies, goals, and even lessons learned in your career. But be selective. 

If you went hiking last weekend, feel free to share it and ask if anyone else has a related story. If you read a great book recently that you think your team would be interested in, mention it and offer your opinion. Personal details, family drama, or office gossip should remain off-limits to keep some form of emotional distance between you and your colleagues.

Be Intentional With Team Interactions

Just because you probably shouldn’t join in every employee activity after work doesn’t mean you can’t share in valuable team bonding time. The key is to make these interactions intentional and within the boundaries of work.

Some options might include:

• Team lunches or virtual coffee chats
• Participation in employee resource groups (ERGs)
• Collaborating with peers from other departments on shared initiatives
• Company offsites and holiday parties (but tread carefully here)

Be involved, but be involved in the right things. Activities within the bounds of work are a great way to build strong working relationships without going so far as to step into friendship territory. 

Encourage Respectful Dialogue

Finally, encourage dialogue but keep things respectful.

You can earn a great deal of trust by inviting genuine two-way conversations rather than simply broadcasting company policies. While I personally feel it’s best not to seek friendships at work, you're there to serve your team, which means listening to them, inviting their input, and making them feel valued as part of the company. 

But keep things centered on work, and never invite or allow gossip to enter the conversation. Once employee disputes, complaints, or accusations come into play, it’s time to put on your professional HR hat and approach the discussion through the lens of your job. 

Dealing With HR Stress? Download the HR Survival Guide

Workplace friendships can be the difference between happy, fulfilled employees and a revolving door of talent with one foot out the door at all times.

The unfortunate truth is that having friends at work is difficult for HR leaders and can often undermine their credibility and effectiveness. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a level of support and fulfillment at work; you just need to set proper boundaries.

One of the best sources for support, vulnerability, and community I’ve found is from the broader network of HR leaders. While I can’t really commiserate with my colleagues, I often find comfort in other HR leaders who work in the trenches of the startup world. 

If you’re feeling alone, feeling stuck in your career, or feeling overwhelmed by your day-to-day, I want you to do two things:

1. Take a deep breath
2. Click the button below to get my Startup HR Survival Guide. 

In this free guide, I’ve distilled a decade of experience in startup HR. You will learn:

• How HR can drive growth
• How to hire
• How HR evolves as your company grows

You’ll also join my weekly newsletter, where I share stories, practical tips, and free tools and templates you can use in your company.